For those of you that have had any sort of contact with me, I think it is pretty self-evident that I enjoy movies. It is fair to say that my only source of comedy is quoting Ron Burgandy at opportune moments in conversation. Regardless of my lack of originality, I have decided to put my vast knowledge of movie pop culture into good use.
My next three columns will be dedicated to building the ultimate football team using movie characters. However, there will be certain rules that will restrict my roster. First off, there will be no touching of the hand or face. AND THAT’S IT!
No really, here are the rules…
Rule #1 – The movie character cannot come from a sports related movie
Rule #2 – Only one character can be chosen from any individual movie
Rule #3 – No mythical characters shall be allowed
Rule #4 – Actors cannot appear more than once on the team
Rule #5 – No former professional football players will be allowed on the roster (ex:Carl Weathers as Apollo Creed)
The focus today will be on the defense. Because I am a fanatical believer in the Church of Saban, my football team will be running a base 3-4.
DE – Michael Myers (Halloween) – You really have to admire Michael’s toughness in the trenches. He was able to overcome taking six bullets in the John Carpenter’s original movie and go on to make a bajillion sequels. The question I have is Michael’s up-the-field speed on passing downs .
NG – Andre the Giant as Fezzik (The Princess Bride) - The man weighs about 500 bills, there is no way any center is going to be able to move him off the line. He has been known to strength train by stoning people to death with large boulders. Conditioning may be an issue.
DT – Debo (Friday) – Some scouts are quick to point out Debo’s lack of toughness. Let’s face it, Craig got lucky in his fight with Debo. Debo would have destroyed Craig if it had not been for Craig’s use of foreign objects.
OLB – Anton Chigurh (No Country for Old Men) – Opponents have compared him to the freaking bubonic plague. My original thought is to start him out at the “Jack” linebacker position. Anton always seems find a way to get him man. Plus, I am pretty confident that in an overtime situation that our team would win every coin toss with Anton calling it.
MLB – Patrick Bateman (American Psycho) – Aside from his athleticism, I selected Bateman because every team needs a Lattimer from The Program character on their squad. I am not responsible for his “alleged” distribution of steroids. He told me they were just lidocaine and B12 shots.
MLB – King Leonidas (300) – Your telling me that Leonidas can lead an army of 300 somewhat homosexual (Spartans soldiers did each other) into battle against a million Persians with too much cologne, but he couldn’t execute a simple delayed blitz up the A-gap?
OLB – Marv (Sin City) – Marv is the epitome of toughness. While I was scouting Marv’s game tape, he was able to shrug off multiple gunshot wounds, being hit by a car, and a blow to the head by a sledgehammer. Coaches will have to monitor his drinking on the weekends.
CB – Axel Foley (Beverly Hills Cop) – Scouts are raving about Axel’s fluid hips after watching his third, in which he save two children from a broken Ferris Wheel.
FS – Mr. Blonde (Resevoir Dogs) - Mr. Blonde will revolutionize the phrase "ear-holing a receiver". There is some thought that he might have some authority issues.
SS – Will Smith as Captain Steven Hiller (Independence Day) - After putting together a team full of psychotic killers, I thought that I needed to class my team up with someone like Captain Hiller. Well, that was until I realized that Captain Hiller was about to marry a stripper, which makes him more likely to fit in on my squad. Also, you have to like the fact that Captain Hiller won a fist fight with an extra-terrestrial.
CB – Dalton (Road House) – The #1 Cooler in the business.
I will cover the offense in my next article. Until then, stay classy…
THURBER
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